JOKE MAIL 1998
Health: The slowest possible way to die. ~~~ I'm surprised they could read their writing! ~~~ Doctors may not say exactly what they mean... The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They were reprinted in a column written by Dr. Richard Lederer for the Journal of Court Reporting. * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. * The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. * Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. * Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused an autopsy. * The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. * Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. * The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignif- icant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. * She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. * The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints. _____________________________________________ ~~~ Love that cajun heat! ~~~ A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, [email protected]. Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to [email protected], a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!" __________________________________________________ ~~~ People are like Potatoes ! ~~~ Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others do... They are called "Speck Tators." Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things... They're called "Comment Tators." Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin... They are called "Aggie Tators." There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing... We call them "Hezzie Tators." Some people put on a front and act like someone else... They're called "Emma Tators." Then, tere are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others, and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. You can call them "Sweet Tators." _____________________________________________________ ~~~ Surely you josh, Josh! ~~~ Josh had live a long, faithful life, and was now in the hospital hooked up to a respiratory machine, very near to death. The family called their long-time pastor to stand with them. The pastor arrived just in time, for as he stood next to the bed, Josh's condition deteriorated quickly as he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor swiftly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Josh used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he said, "You know, Josh handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Josh, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration here for us all." He opened the note, and lovingly read, "You're standing on my oxygen tub..." -______________________________________________ ~~~ A stitch in time ~~~ The patrol cop noticed a car weaving all over the road, and fearful that it might be an intoxicated driver, quickly drove his motercycle alongside. He peered through the window of the erratic car, and spied the driver... knitting! "Pull over!" he hollered at her. She sweetly replied, "No... scarf!" _______________________________________________ ~~~ Family Stress Test ~~~ How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true. 1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 3. ___ The cat is on Valium. 4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf. 6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 7. ___ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners. 8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 9. ___ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates. How you rate: 30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood! 20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up. 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway? _________________________________________________________ Reportedly a true story: On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a fine looking black gentleman. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she snapped out loud, "You've sat me next to a Kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down, Madam," the stewardess replied. "I believe the economy section is completely full today, but I'll go and check to see if we have any upgraded seats available in club or first class." The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers.) A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin. "Madam, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class." Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "Please realize, it is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the extreme circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person." With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your first-class seat ready for you..." At which point, the surrounding passengers burst into a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane. ______________________________________________ ~~~ Too much head butting... ~~~ A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?" "Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" _________________________________________________ ~~~ Too much head butting... ~~~ A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?" "Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" _______________________________________________ ~~ Yumm! ~~~ If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Sony made toasters... Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time. If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If K-Tel sold toasters... They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives. If the PQ made toasters... They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the appliances. ________________________________________________ ~~~ Hey! Low mileage doesn't mean it hasn't won a race... ~~~ A man is told by his doctor that he is dying of an inoperable brain tumor, with only weeks to live. "We do have hope," the doctor says. "We can attempt a brain transplant. However, it is very experimental, and very expensive." "How much would it cost me?" the patient asks. "Normally a man's brain transplant is $100,000. You are in luck, we have a woman's brain available, and that one is only $10,000." Confused the man asks, "Why is the man's brain so expensive?" The doctor replies, "Because the woman's brain has been used." ________________________________________________ ~~~ We're way past eggs cookin' here! ~~~ You Know It's Hot Outside When... * You notice your car overheating before you drive it. * Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it. * Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside. * Airplanes can't land because the asphalt is too soft. * You discover that it only takes two fingers to drive your car. * The swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy" * Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one. * The strawberries are ripe and the cab drivers are riper * Your pool water starts to boil in the sun * The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot * Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans * A scalding hot shower still cools you down * You've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man * People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames * A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants * The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves * You need a spatula to remove your clothing * When the beer gut and big butt don't keep you from wearing shorts * You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather * You ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible * You are sweating in both directions -- up and down! * Lawyers kill themselves because they know it's cooler in Hell * It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets. * Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping. * You burn your hand opening the car door. * You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. * You are sitting inside reading these jokes * Your brother's braces make blisters on his lips ___________________________________________________ ~~~ There, good as new! ~~~ A woman is working in her backyard and sees her large Doberman shaking and playing with something. Upon closer inspection, she finds he has a rabbit in his mouth. Horrified, she remembers the next door neighbor's kid has a pet rabbit that he keeps in a cage on the back porch. She retrieves the rabbit from the dog and finds it quite dead. She thinks quickly and proceeds to clean it up, nice and white, getting all the dirt out of it's fur. She quickly climbs the fence and discretely places the dead rabbit in the cage, fluffs up it's fur a bit and closes the door, then dashes back over the fence into her own yard. A couple of hours later, she notices the police out front of the next door neighbor's house. She nonchalantly approaches the police and inquires as to what the problem is. The police officer replies, "The family's pet rabbit died yesterday and some sicko dug it up and put it back in it's cage." _________________________________________________ ~~~ Are you an Engineer? ~~~ THE TEST Fist, let's establish: Are you a geek-at-heart? What answer to the following question do you feel most inclined to: You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: * Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation * Important social contacts * A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: * Get it over with as soon as possible. * Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. * Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no private parts or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. LOVE OF "STAR TREK" Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even mating with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real social life of an engineer. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer- like children who will have high-paying jobs long before they start dating. Male engineers reach their peak of physical attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible to male engineers at the age of consent and remain that way until, oh, about their clinical death. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than anything else. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. ____________________________________________________ Mindboggling Family Problem Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems!" ------- submitted by... David A. Rinke II _________________________________________________ A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring suffering -Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. -When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why. -My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. -A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." -A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death." -The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. -Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. -A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." -A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." -A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. -Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. -The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. ___________________________________________________ What is God Like? GOD IS LIKE COCA-COLA HE'S THE REAL THING. GOD IS LIKE PAN AM HE MAKES THE GOING GREAT. GOD IS LIKE GENERAL ELECTRIC HE LIGHTS YOUR PATH. GOD IS LIKE BAYER ASPIRIN HE WORKS WONDERS. GOD IS LIKE HALLMARK CARDS HE CARED ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST. GOD IS LIKE TIDE HE GETS THE STAINS OUT THAT OTHERS LEAVE BEHIND. GOD IS LIKE VO HAIR SPRAY HE HOLDS THROUGH ALL KINDS OF WEATHER. GOD IS LIKE DIAL SOAP AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU KNOW HIM? DON'T YOU WISH EVERYBODY DID? GOD IS LIKE SEARS HE HAS EVERYTHING. GOD IS LIKE ALKA SELTZER OH WHAT A RELIEF HE IS. GOD IS LIKE SCOTCH TAPE YOU CAN'T SEE HIM, BUT YOU KNOW HE'S THERE. GOD IS LIKE MCDONALD'S HE'LL DO IT ALL FOR YOU. GOD IS LIKE THE AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT HIM. ___________________________________ And it came to pass after these things that God did test Abraham. And He said to him, "Abraham!" And Abraham replied, "Here I am." And God said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 386; and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows NT, which I will show unto you." So Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 386, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Isaac, his only son. And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows NT. Then, on the third day, Abraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows NT from afar. And Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass; and Isaac and I will go yonder and load Windows NT on our 386, and come again to you." And Abraham took his computer, his old computer, his 386, and laid it on Isaac his son. And they went, both of them, together. And Isaac spoke to Abraham his father and said, "My father, Windows NT requires far more memory than our old 386 has. How will it possibly run on our machine?" And Abraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he looked heavenward, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said, "Fear not Isaac my son. God will provide the RAM." _________________________________________________________________________________________________
